Have you ever been in a fight with your partner where you can’t seem to stop or make it stop? It is the battle royale, and you are hell-bent on winning this one. Why, then, does it not feel like a win? Why do you still feel like you have lost something significant by the end of the fight? If this has happened to you, don’t worry, you are not alone.
If you have been in a fix trying to figure out how to stop fighting in a relationship, you are in the right place. Fighting is normal between couples, but when you fight for so long that you almost forget when and why it started and you have moved to something far more grave than the original reason for the conflict, that’s when you need help. But even then, you are not alone. It has happened to the best of us; even the couple you admire has been through something similar. It is all too easy to get yourself to this point. You merely have to bring up the past, and voila! You are now in a never-ending battle that will only leave the two of you exhausted and a little out of love.
The insults we hurl during fights, though satisfying at the moment, can do more damage than we can imagine. For instance, reminding your partner how they messed up the one dish they had to cook for the dinner party you threw last month can make you feel like the ball’s in your court, but that feeling is momentary. The rush of guilt that you will feel later, for reminding them of their failure and the resentment that your partner will have for you, is not worth the fleeting satisfaction.
Why are fights common in couples?
It stems from the sheer fact that they are closer to you more intimately and romantically than anyone else. You might have noticed some things you tolerate in your friends and family, but you can’t stand it when your partner does it. Why is it so? First, expectations. Second, relationships are challenging. And challenges can turn into conflicts.
The typical topics that lead to fights among couples are:
- Daily chores.
- Sex and intimacy.
- Kids and In-laws.
- Time spent together and spent apart.
These are the few topics that are known to be quarrel-inducing but are equally important to talk about it with your partner. Then what can be done? The best solution is to discuss it more constructively. Here are a few tips to stop fighting in a relationship:
#1 Look At The Good Times You Spent Together
If you want a more happy and harmonious relationship, you have to focus on the good times spent with your partner. Ups and downs are part and parcel of any relationship, regardless of the nature of your relationship. But when it’s romantic, things can become slightly trickier than when it’s not. That is when you remind yourself of how much you love each other and how much your partner means to you.
When in a fight, it is easy to forget such emotions and focus on bitterness. Then how do you ever stop fighting in a relationship?
- Make a list of really kind things that your partner has done for you or said to you. Write it down if necessary.
- Read it when all you can think and see are the negatives in them.
#2 Positive Thinking Can Do Wonders
If you ask any couple in a happy relationship how to avoid fighting in a relationship, they are likely to explain the power of positive thinking. Let’s get this straight, if you are arguing with your partner quite often, there is something wrong with your relationship. For instance, you just resolved a fight yesterday, and now, this morning, you two are again bickering about who should be taking out the trash. The topic of the conflict might be trivial, but the intensity and the frequency of the fights are nothing close to normal.
In moments of conflict, your relationship might seem like the worst one on the face of Earth.
- Remember the positives of your relationship in such moments.
- Remember how happy your partner makes you.
- Remember how they bring out the best in you most of the time.
- Remember, they support you.
- You grow together.
- You listen to each other.
Remember the positives. Fights double in intensity because we forget to love our partners when we conflict with them. When really those are the very moments you should love them a little more, even if it seems impossible.
#3 Take a Chill-Pill
When you are fighting with your partner, regardless of how grave or trivial the matter is, your emotions are all over the place. You feel angry, hurt, lonely, defeated, and so much more; you sense it all in one moment. The best course of action in times like these is to put some space between you and your partner.
What are the things you can do to stop fighting in a relationship?
- Remove yourself from the room when you sense your anger building, or you might say something that will cause irreparable damage to your relationship.
- Communicate what you are feeling. For instance, if you think your boyfriend or girlfriend has been grilling you for a long time, tell them.
- Go for a walk instead of indulging in the fight.
- If your partner did something to upset you at night, the best thing is to sleep on it. If you start a conflict in rage, it might go out of hand. Look at the matter from a fresh perspective in the morning and decide if it is worth getting into a spat.
- Most importantly, once in a while, if the reason is trivial, remember that your partner is only human and is prone to mistakes and try to give them a pass. In reality, you will also be giving yourself a break from a potential fight.
#4 No More Assumptions
That’s one of the gravest mistakes couples make. For instance, you have been calling your boyfriend for more than one hour but got no response. Immediately your mind goes to the worst possible conclusion. “He is with some other girl.” And the moment he takes your call or comes back home, you fire up. Assumptions, especially negative speculations, can cause unwarranted fights in a relationship.
How to reduce it?
- In situations of uncertainty, be patient and try not to jump to conclusions.
- Let them do the explaining before you start accusing.
- Respect their perspective and opinion. For instance, many couples have faced grave conflict about having kids in the future, and only those couples broke up on bad terms who did not have the decency to hear out their partner’s opinion.
#5 Do Not Divert From the Point
So your fight was about how your partner did not do the dirty dishes last night? Why then, are you two talking about who did the laundry last week and who forgot to close the main door last month? This is a problem that we all face. Staying on point during a fight can be tremendously tricky. You are constantly tempted to bring up all those little things that you shove under the rug.
Some efficient ways to avoid this from happening:
- Sort out a fight when it happens. Don’t sweet-talk each other to forget the mistakes. Talk it out and find a way to let it go. Not just for now but forever.
- Remember, no matter how satisfied you feel in the moment, it is not worth the never-ending fight.
- Sort out your priorities. Is it more essential for you to hurl back another insult or to save your relationship? Ask yourself the same every time you want to bring up the past.
- Focus on the problem at hand. Address and solve them together as a couple. Do not let it be another topic for you to drag in the next time you fight with your partner.
A Word From QuackQuack
If anyone tells you they can help you stop fighting in a relationship forever, run. They are lying, or the other possible explanation could be them pointing at you breaking up with your sweetheart. Couples fight and will continue to do so. It is even considered a healthy sign in a relationship. But how and how often you fight are the only things that matter.
Some added tips to avoid further aggravating an existing conflict:
- Try listening to your partner. We know it can be difficult to lend an ear when your partner feels like your biggest enemy at the moment, but do it nevertheless.
- Express your understanding and support.
- Acknowledge their frustration as well as yours.
- Let it go when nothing else seems to be working. Sometimes that’s the only thing that works.
Note: Image credit to unsplash.com