Do you know your partner to their very core? I mean, is it even possible to know someone that deeply? Experts say it is. The best way to get to know your partner is to ask them meaningful questions, the answers to which allow you to know them on a more profound level.
But do you know what to ask your partner or how to ask them? Or are you as stuck as most people in the world of HOWs? Don’t get me wrong, asking, “how are you?” is perfectly fine. But when you go on like a broken record about the same thing, it can become a bit of a monotone.
How to know if you are stuck in the world of HOWs?
- Are you always asking them questions that start with how: how are you; how was your day; how are things going in the office, and so on? While it’s nice that you want to know how everything is going in your partner’s life, it will barely let you in on the more momentous things about their life. Your questions merely touch the surface; there’s a lot more going on underneath that.
- Most of the time, you are merely asking these questions; you have no genuine interest in the answer. It shows. You don’t make eye contact or even look at your partner when you ask them. It’s only a force of habit.
- If I ask you right now what your partner’s worst fear is or tell me a childhood dream they gave up on, I bet you can’t answer it without pausing even a beat. Do you know why? You have not been asking them the right questions to get to know them even better than you know them right now.
Maybe you got busy with life, or the honeymoon period is over, and now there’s little to talk about; there can be a lot of reasons why you stopped trying to know them better. There’s always a point in every relationship when you talk, but you barely share. It’s okay. You can always start right now.
It’s time to stop asking how are you and move on to who are you. Here are a few questions you can ask your sweetheart for better understanding:
#1 Right Now, What Stresses You Out The Most?
As partners, you should always know the things that most stress your other half. Maybe you know some of them. But do you know all of them or the more recent ones?
Most of the time, in a relationship, we put so much focus on the past- getting to know our partner’s past traumas, and even boasting that we know it as if we were a part of their past- we often forget to enquire about the recent developments. Evidently, the present happening is far more significant than the past. Yet, there’s a certain fixation with what has happened compared to what’s happening.
While this question will come as a surprise to your partner, it will also fetch you a better understanding of their personality, and you might even learn about the latest incidents that have been gnawing at their minds for a while now. Go ahead, ask them. Your partner will appreciate your concern.
#2 What Is Your Idea Of A Perfect Day?
The motive is clear. The answer to this simple yet intriguing question will solve all of your woes. Planning a date, your partner’s birthday, your anniversary, everything will seem like a piece of cake once you have a thorough understanding of what is the idea of a perfect day for your partner.
You will also learn a lot about their persona from the answer they chalk up. If their idea consists of a lot of fancy things like shopping, going to a restaurant, pub, or other such activities in the same line, it is evident that they have sophisticated and expensive tastes in life. A day in, with their favorite people, and a home-cooked meal, ending in a movie night; if that’s their idea of a perfect day, congrats! You have a partner with simple needs. It is important to understand that these personalities are different, and neither of these two is wrong.
#3 What Bugs You The Most?
Careful, the answer might be you. Jokes apart, it is a key aspect of any relationship to know what gets on your partner’s nerves the most, especially in recent times. Just like every other thing, the bits that irritate us tend to change with time. What bothered you last year might not bother you as much today. Similarly, yesterday you did not care about how your partner left their socks everywhere after coming back home; today, it might make you want to rip their head off. It’s natural to have new things pop up every day.
Why is it important to have a clear idea about what’s presently bothering your partner the most?
- If it’s something to do with you, you don’t want to continue doing it.
- It will give you a chance to understand if they are unreasonably irritated and have an open discussion about the same.
- You can apologize for all the times you unknowingly got on their nerves.
- You can help them calm down and manage the things that have been getting on their nerves.
- By asking them this question, you give them a safe space to vent.
#4 What Are The Three Primary Things You Always Wanted In Your Partner?
It can open a can of worms, but it’s okay. You want to open it. It will give you a better idea of whether your partner is perfectly happy with you or whether there’s still scope for you to improve yourself to better match their liking.
The answer can go either of these three ways:
Way One- Your partner names three things they always wished in their partner, and you have all three of them. Perfect!
Way Two- It gets a bit tricky. They name three things, and you possess two of them. It offers you a chance to cultivate and perfect yourself according to your partner’s wishes.
Way Three- You have none of their desired qualities. That puts you in a bit of a pickle, doesn’t it? At the same time, ask yourself, why did they pick me as their partner if I don’t have what they wished for in their future partner? Maybe you are more than what they hoped to find in a partner.
The point is that no matter what turn the answer takes, there is always a scope to spin it positively and use the information to your advantage. Additionally, your partner will cherish you more for wanting to know their desires and putting in the effort to be the person of their dreams. Of course, within reason.
#5 What is That One NON-NEGOTIABLE Thing You Can’t Look Over?
Undoubtedly, you don’t possess that, or you would not be asking this question today. So you are in the clear. But there might be things that your partner is yet to discuss with you. For instance, they don’t want kids, and there’s nothing you can do to change their minds. It will give you a shot at discussing the matter once and for all and trying to bargain even though it’s pretty much set in stone. Most importantly, it will give you a chance to introspect and decide if you can live with it. You should not have to settle, and neither should they.
That one non-negotiable thing can have nothing to do with your relationship. It might be the way they love their food or don’t. It can very well be about a global issue. End of the day, the answer will get you a little closer to knowing your partner and their core values.
#6 What’s Your Idea Of Commitment?
This one is crucial. Commitment can look different to different people. While to you, speaking to the opposite sex without your partner’s knowledge feels unfair, to your partner, it can be as simple as hanging out with a friend.
You both are committed to one another; there’s no doubt. But your commitment might not be the same, and it can create unnecessary issues if not properly communicated. For instance, when your partner said yes, you assumed they would want to marry you, have a family, buy a house, and grow old together. But why did you assume so? Did you ever ask your partner how much they are committing to you? In a relationship, nothing should be left up to assumptions. History shows it to be the root of all wars.
Ask your partner what commitment means to them, and be sure once and for all that you are on the same page.
For a relationship to thrive, it is essential to understand your partner. The only way to do so is to make them feel comfortable enough to open up to you. How do you do it? By being open and vulnerable yourself.
Getting to know your partner on a deeper level takes time and, importantly, the right set of questions. No amount of “how are you” will fetch you this profound knowledge about them that will ultimately bring you closer to them and the truth.
A lot of these questions will help you determine if you and your partner are a perfect match.
Note: Image credit to unsplash.com